Lisa Tolliver M.S., LPsyA

Sanity vs. ‘normal’ insanity

Posted on June 25, 2019 by lisatolliverms

Lisa Tolliver psychotherapy Louisville; anxiety; holistic EMDR

One day I would like to make up my own DSM with a list of “disorders” I have seen in my practice. For example, I would want to include the diagnosis “psychological modernism,” an uncritical acceptance of the values of the modern world. It includes blind faith in technology, inordinate attachment to material gadgets and conveniences, uncritical acceptance of the march of scientific progress, devotion to the electronic media, and a life-style dictated by advertising.

Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul

(With thanks to Karl Duffy at Mindfulbalance, from whose blog this is shared)

The enemy within

Posted on June 20, 2019June 20, 2019 by lisatolliverms

“Gradually it was disclosed to me that the line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either — But right through every human heart — And through all human hearts. This line shifts. Inside us, it oscillates with the years. And even within hearts overwhelmed by evil, one small bridgehead of good is retained. And even in the best of all hearts, there remains . . . An un-uprooted small corner of evil. Since then I have come to understand the truth of all the religions of the world: They struggle with the evil inside a human being (inside every human being). It is impossible to expel evil from the world in its entirety, but it is possible to constrict it within each human heart.”

― Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago

Enemy or ‘straw man’?

Posted on March 1, 2019March 1, 2019 by lisatolliverms

Lisa Tolliver Therapy Louisville KY Narcissists Christian Integrative Counseling

Do I not destroy my enemy when I make him my friend? Abraham Lincoln

If you’re near middle age — or even if you’re not– you may recognize the band in this image: Public Enemy. For the past several months many factors have had me thinking about enemies, and how we make differences into terms on the basis of which we look down on, or hate, others. This is all tied up with our own self image, and how secure (or insecure) we are in ourselves. Partly, this comes from stories I keep hearing from the clients I see, but even more so, from the zeitgeist one can hear underneath our news stories. It seems we humans are always tempted to make others into capital “O” others– Others who are “less than”, pitiable, tainted, or The Enemy. Lately this tendency in the culture seems out of control. I’m struck by how much effort it takes to police our own psychic boundaries when we’re trying to create worth by denigrating an Other. And by contrast, by how peaceful our frame of mind can be when are able to grow a healthier sense of self. Then we can trust our own worth, and let go of making enemies of others.

In this frame of mind, I was reading back issues of a quarterly on psychology and spirituality I’ve lately found. I came across this essay by psychologist and professor Roy Barsness, PhD. I found it insightful, and have decided to post an excerpt, below.

It was September 11, 2001. The world sat stunned by a violent attack on our nation. For a few days, the world stopped and our vulnerability and grief held us ever so gently. The physical attack was also a psychological one, and the narcissistic injury became too much to bear, burning deeply into our national psyche, revealing to us our insecurity. Thus, we created our own image of the other and went to war. Our invincibility was injured, and we discovered we were as vulnerable as others in this world. Soon our humility turned to injury. We forgot our commonness and went to battle to prove our prowess. I will always wonder what would have happened if we would have found a way to respond in humility. Where would we be today if we had cooperated with other nations to sort out the state of affairs in the world and to discover ways to build bridges, instead of destroying them?

As columnist George Will wrote: “It is a peculiar kind of patriot today that says that by this war, America “will get its pride back.” Since when has American pride derived primarily from military episodes? A nation that constantly worries about its pride should worry. It is apt to confect military occasions for bucking itself up, using foreign policy for psychotherapy.”

What we did at that moment, nationally, is what we do personally every day, creating an other in order to do harm. Psychologist William James chillingly tells us, “[that,] the hell to be endured hereafter, of which theology tells, is no worse than the hell we make for ourselves in this world by habitually fashioning our characters in the wrong way.” Pride is insistent in fashioning an opposite in order to define itself. The bondage to pride is that the other must always be kept in their place. Consequently, pride is competitive; it objectifies the other and harms by demeaning them. The other is made different and less-than. We create the other in our own negative image to deny the reality of our co-humanity, deceiving ourselves from the reality that we are more human than otherwise. When we look at pride from a psychological perspective, it is always within the dynamics of the interpersonal (for example, the harm done to others in negating their participation in identity formation). This is compatible theologically, for the self that denies God also denies that which God has created, negating both God and the other in the understanding of one’s own identity.

If you’d like to read Barsness’ entire article, here is the link:

https://theotherjournal.com/2007/10/16/pride-ego-injury-and-the-gift-of-grace/

Ordinary narcissism: True & false specialness

Posted on December 21, 2018February 19, 2019 by lisatolliverms

We are never so defenseless against suffering, as when we love. -Sigmund Freud

As all of us know there are many deaths that befall us in our lifetime — the most feared, perhaps, being our physical death. So wounding is the loss of someone we love, so painful as we rest him or her back into the care of mother earth, that it overshadows all other pain. But there are other ‘little deaths’ that befall us in life. To have one’s reputation subject to slur and innuendo is a loss, to forgo the presence of former friends, – usually because of small but hurtful misunderstandings — is even called the death of a friendship. Obviously to experience a major financial loss can be experienced as a death. But there is a more ominous killer among us, a killer that can alienate us not only from our friends but also from the struggle to make our way in our very complex world. A killer which can distract us from the struggle to find what makes us REAL, in life, rather than just reactive. It can close us off from what opens our minds to mystery rather than to mere formulas. Like a mutating virus, this menace has many forms: one of which analytic depth psychology speaks about as the ‘defense of specialness.’ It is also characterized by the shorthand term ‘narcissism.’
Narcissism is the excessive need to be noticed. It seen in an excessive need to be right, to be adored, to be always the best. The unexamined conviction, for example, that only by holding absolutely to one’s own interpretation of what is going on in the world does one thereby achieve some kind of lasting personal significance. There is something truly profound in the human quest for truth, yet simultaneously tragic when we are convinced we 100% have it. Narcissism is ultimately, as Freud noted, an attempt to avoid suffering. The problem, of course, is that it only brings more suffering. And it closes us off to love.
The goal of a liberal education, throughout history, has always been to bring such a paradox to full consciousness. When one does not appreciate the complexity of human experience, one can easily experience sharp suspicion if someone, for example, questions one’s worldview. Narcissistic righteousness dismisses alternate opinions. This is a tendency we see at play culture-wide, now, as social dialogue has grown increasingly shrill and polarized.
And you don’t have to be a narcissist to suffer from this. All we humans are subject to falling sway to our own, small, narcissism at times. But if you, or someone you know, has this wound as their primary approach to the world, then you know how limiting and disabling it is. And you also know that the first hurdle the sufferer must clear on the way to recovery is simply realizing, much less admitting, that they have the problem.
Those who live with narcissists can find help in such approaches as that devised by Wendy Behary, LCSW in her book, Disarming the Narcissist.
But as I mentioned, everyone is prone to the growth of “small N” narcissism. And pervasive social media use makes us more susceptible. So, can we protect ourselves from such a psychological virus? Narcissism closes us off from the world, and from other people. So, certainly to allow ourselves to be truly known & loved by those close to us, offers some protection. To allow ourselves to be fully known by another is healing, in and of itself. And it counters narcissism because we know that the other loves us, warts and all. Because of all of who we are, not just the parts we think are acceptable, or ‘perfect.’ This is something we receive in a good, long-term therapeutic relationship, as well as in caring friendships and, of course, from spouses. And, as well, the love we absorb from those who love us for who we are mirrors the love of our Creator, for us. Everything in creation is special, not because of what it does, but because it was called into being by the One whose love is infinite. We can receive this love, but we can’t bottle and hang onto it.
As many thinkers have noted, we humans are prone to try to ease our existential anxiety by ‘stealing immortality’– By seeking certainties, or power, that give us the illusion that we aren’t mere contingent human beings. But by so doing, we close ourselves off to life. Here in this holiday season, a commitment to stay open to love, right in the midst of our vulnerability, can go a long way toward bringing true happiness & contentment.

Put out into the Deep

Posted on August 2, 2018February 19, 2019 by lisatolliverms

Wellness Integrative Therapy Louisville KY 40207

We often say we want to grow. The question is are we willing to do what it takes. It’s easy to read books or hear talks or read blogs. It’s hard to look within, take stock of ourselves and quietly apply ourselves to genuine change, genuine soul work. It requires movement away from what we’re used to, surface, and descent into what we are not used to: in other words, depth.

When we stay on the surface, stuck with where we’ve been and not letting go and changing – deepening – then misery results. When we are willing to look deeper, then yes– we often do come in contact with our pain. But also it’s then that the gateway to transformation and change opens.

How silly we can be as a species. We know there’s another way, the way of truth to self, to the holy and to depth of experience, yet we resist be-ing with ourselves. We don’t set aside time to be away from endless distractions.

So it goes, with our daily life. Surface or depth? When we’re in pain, we’re willing to consider things we haven’t. We’re willing to open up and see so that we’ll feel better, so the pain will stop. But, the telling really comes in the daily living. To be able to choose depth, to choose to be fully present and take off our blinders– No matter what others say or how they pressure us. This is depth. Surface bids us go for the tepid pat on the back, rather than risk being with our depths. But being with our depths can bring all the difference.

Waking up recently, I remembered a dream. It spoke of forces from my past, professional groups demanding allegiance, old dysfunctional relationships demanding conformity, friends who demanded adherence to “this way or that” of seeing things. In the dream, I saw from a distance what had once been so up close and personal and I suddenly had more clarity, and felt more freedom of choice. A breath from the flow of all things swept through me, and I turned and left the scene, ready to move on with my life and new decisions regarding surface or depth.